Melts. Xb

Thursday, June 10, 2004
hey guys, just to let ya all know that I have NOT closed down this blog of mine yet. Just been VERY occupied lately. yeah so that's all.
boxxie blogged @ Thursday, June 10, 2004

Thursday, May 27, 2004
The reason.

A week has past. So here I am blogging again. Was just about to start on my accounts revision when I suddenly remembered "oh I do have a blog." Yupz. Haiyz been feeling rather low for the whole of the week, so don't expect me to say anything really inspiring.

Sometimes I feel that human beings are really selfish. In a sense where they could be of a great help to a person but they chose not to just because of some misunderstandings among them. I tried all ways to figure out why is that so and stuffs like that. I do not hide the fact that I'm really upset when I know Siti couldn't make it to mount ophir. This trip really means a lot to her but it has to turn out like that. Few days ago when we told Ms Yvonne Seh about it she was filling us with hope and trust in her that she would settle everything. Then yesterday she came and told us "sorry Siti I can't let you go for the trip because it's too late, well never mind what, you still have next year, so...take care la." Little did she know that Siti's heart was already bleeding. It was as though all her dreams were smashed and moments of sadness filled the air. I know it. I know how she's feeling at that time even though she tried to show me she's not at all affected but this is NOT true. She's VERY upset let me tell you guys this. She IS upset. Even till now.

Well pardon me, I feel that some of the sec4s ncc guys don't try to put in any effort to help Siti at all. They just take it as it comes and that's the best that they could ever receive that kind of thing. It's like when I told them Siti can't make it to the trip anymore, they went "Oh...then wait for next year la...big deal?" I mean these people seriously lack of faith in believing that miracles will happen. Deep down within me, I was like telling myself that this could be done, don't give up yet because I know with perseverance, I'm sure my sincerity will touch Ms Seh's heart that kind of thing. I know and I've already foreseen what will happen if I continued. But somehow, fate is stopping me. It wasn't easy raising all those funds for the trip. All the effort put in, was..you know gone just like that. All the calls, smses, meetings and phone bills...blah all that. I went round gathering sufficient funds for Siti and I just want to give her the best that I could ever afford that kinda thing. But of course, I have already thought about all kinds of consequences before hand. Siti is a person who's very easily influenced. I know her well and I can even read her mind. I mean we are as close as sisters now, you know? So there's nothing she can hide from me. Sigh, the trip is on this Sunday. Argh let's just stop it. I have had enough. Don't wish to elaborate anymore. It's so damn infuriating.

I spent quite some time reflecting. And I've decided to stop wasting my time on a person who constantly puts me down. I know deep inside of him, there's a tendency that he still cares, but I don't wish to deceive myself anymore. Nothing has been done and forget it. I'm not gonna continue to pray and hope for things to change for the better. Nahz, not anymore. It's been a long long time. Right now I'm just glad that I'm able to FULLY concentrate on my studies after getting rid of all those heartwrenching thoughts and the confused emotions. Yupz, it does actually make my life easier and happier. So why not?

I did not shed another tear ever since after the Opening Ceremony. Well I don't intend to as well. Count myself lucky that I'm able to hold back my tears when they are already springing on my eyes. I've been trying to isolate myself from others for the past few days and just keep to myself and Siti that kinda thing. I just don't feel like associating with others now. Some kind of depression is taking place right now. Well I've thought about it, Iman was correct. I mean I do agree with his statement. Depression IS actually a normal thing really. It's a time for you to quietly think about all that you have done and do something about it, that boils down to the mind-set. He also said when you're having a crush on someone, your mind somehow sub-consciously casted a beautiful picture of you and that person and trust has taken place. Yupz, quite true really. I don't use to think about such theory in the past until I've come across it. Which is why I strongly believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason. All the situations and the people whom you've met are meant to help you along, there surely must be some purposes for why they are here right? So this guy had taught me something new. Something which really allow me to think hard. That's also another reason why I love all my friends, because they too have helped me a lot in my life. Yupz. Haiyz my tenses are still mixed up. Damn. Don't know since when I got this problem.

Keke, alright, it's about time. Exams are really really approaching. Hey don't forget it's my birthday once in a year on 20th June okay? Haha. =P Yeah. Alright cheer up roslyn, there are better things for you to look forward to. Yeah so I'm gonna do my best for this Mid-Year. Oh yeah I got back my results for both Chinese and English. Haha wanna make a guess? I scored 2 Distinctions for it Lolxz. =) Okay but...my guardian is not at all happy. Sigh who cares? It's my future and not hers. It's my life and not hers. So bleah, I don't give a damn. Yupz, gonna see ya guys around then. Take care and have a nice holiday! =)

boxxie blogged @ Thursday, May 27, 2004

Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Heya I'm backie. =) Haha feeling great. Yeah.

So how's everyone doing?.. I'm doing pretty alright. Yeah still alive. Well I can finally take a break at last. So the next paper will be on 28th June which is my birthday month! *winks
Actually I'm not really looking forward to my birthday unless....yupz. I'm kind of stressed out lately. Due to the amount of pressure I faced from Mrs Caroline Tan. Got that right, the performance remember?

I woke up late this morning thinking it was some kind of holiday and I'd actually wanted to give school a miss but was reminded of the papers today! Phew, rock on roslyn. Yeah. Social Studies pretty easy actually, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Since it's idiot-proof so why not make use of this chance and score an A yeah? I studied till only 10+ last night, thinking of continuing at 3 but the alarm went off and I was too sound asleep so...as a result I woke up at 7 today. =X Got a scare man. Seriously.

Wasn't feeling too good in the morning, mood was swinging to and fro and I was anxious to get through with the papers. So, sorry to those who got snapped by me. Yeah.

Well frankly speaking, I'm just glad that I have this blog. For me to type out all my woes and kill my boredom. Last night was the turning point of my life. I ALMOST committed the offence made last year. I was like reminded of the many unhappy past while listening to some melancholy songs and didn't have the mood to carry on with my revision. BUT fortunately, through God's grace, Chee Yung once again enlightened me. Which is why I have always believed that whatever happens, happens for a reason and there surely must be a purpose for the situations which took place and the people whom we have met.

Okay, I'm over that. I've a lot on my mind actually. Wanting so much to say them all out here, but it's really personal, so I guess better not.

Time really flies and May is ending soon. Somehow I wanted very badly to get over this year but on the other hand, I don't wish this year to end so soon. A little contradicting huh? Well yeah. That's just me. I seriously will NEVER EVER have a sense of belonging in my class. I'm getting sickening and tired of all those punishments going on and delaying of lessons, so in the end, nothing was taught. So that boils down to why go school right? What for go to school when you get nothing accomplished in the end? Isn't is just a waste of time? Wasting not only the teachers but the students' time. Wasting the school resources. Wasting the privileges given to us. Wasting the electricity and water supplies in school. Wasting the desks and chairs which are often vandalized. So much stuffs get wasted and nothing is done to prevent all these from happening again. I just don't know what's wrong with all those normal academic pupils. I REALLY DON'T KNOW AND JUST DON'T KNOW!

Sigh, forget it. I'll just live with what I have now and make the best out of it. Well borrowed two psychology books yesterday in the library. Gotta get down to reading so catch ya all peeps around. Take care and a reminder to all upper secondaries. Please Do Not Overtire Yourself From Studying. Don't wanna end up like me right? Yeah. Bye! =)

9.04pm
boxxie blogged @ Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Saturday, May 15, 2004
Today is the 15th of May 2004. I've got something to confess. I supposed you guys knew yesterday was the official Opening Ceremony for my school and how excited am I wanting to be part in it. But it all turned out otherwise.

It was an uneventful day for yesterday except for the outdoor parade and mass display. My physical health was at stake really but I kept telling myself that I gotta hold on and persevere. So right next is the post-concert performance. I told myself that that was gonna be the LAST night I'll be performing in school. The Last Night. So whatever it is, I'm gonna put in my best effort and make the best out of it. But little did I know that there were actually a small group of people who can't wait to see my string snapped at any point of time so as to end my performance. That really happened. http://gonewif-me.blogspot.com-Shi Hui's blog.

I seriously do not know how to verbalise my thoughts at that moment, it was my LAST performance in school and it gotta turned out in this way. I was truly upset and devastated. It's like for a musician, all the pride and dignity are placed on just that few stringes attached to the instrument, and the strings ARE NOT ALLOWED to be snapped until the whole performance is over. It matters A LOT for a musician actually. Those musicians or guitarist out there probably knew what I'm saying. It really hurts when I was informed that someone actually cursed me behind my back. WE did not have any grudges with each other and I have no idea why has she got to do that.

To me, I thought everything should have turned out alright. I spent quite some time practising the piece because Mdm Xu ( my formal instructor ) said my skills are worst than before. So in-order to prove her wrong, I tried to get back all the love I once had for music and set my mind in performing to my very best on that night. But the string snapped. I was like, couldn't accept it so graciously that kind of thing. I love music yes I do and that has never happened before in my life on stage. It was the first time yesterday and also the last.

I prayed to God to forgive the both of them for their sins because they were ignorant at that time. I do not wish to mention the other one here because I believe it's better for them to repent than shaming them here.

Mrs Tan must had been truly dissapointed with me. I do not know how to answer her for that. I guess I'll just live with it. I ain't feeling any better. Not at all.

And yesterday in case for those who have yet to know. Siti, my best buddy cried too. The both of us found out something which we shouldn't have at all. One of our dearest friend actually stole and commit a great crime. That's serious offence. Siti kept asking herself why? Why such thing had to happen. I was already too down with my case but I chose to put aside all my woes and deal with Siti's problems first. I'm really scared that she would once again commit suicide.

Seriously people, my secondary three life was like hell for me. And same again. The person whom I want to see most and hear from most yesterday did nothing. Nothing. Well I guess I'll just leave it. Basically I'm just tired. I thanked Alvin, Jia Rui, Siti, Aqila, Jasmine, Brenda, Yiling, Phyllicia, and the many many more out there who consloed me at that time. I appreaciate it. Thanks! I love you guys lots!

For that I'm just gonna end here. Exams are coming and I can't afford to repeat the same mistake again. So cyauz guys around and take care. All the best for the exams. Have a blessed weekend.

peace out.
boxxie blogged @ Saturday, May 15, 2004

Friday, May 14, 2004
Okay so right I'm back. For those who are still wondering what actually happened to me back last week, scroll on.

It was a saturday evening when I'd afore promised my aunt to tutor my niece on her school subjects. So it all ended at around 9+. I chilled around at her house till around 1am when I've decided to just head stright home and sleep, Because...because... BECAUSE, I'm so so so so so tired. Just as I reached the bus-stop then did I realise I'd actually left my wallet behind. So I gave my aunt a call ( shucks, that woke her up really, a bad thing ) and kindly asked her to bring it down because her maid was already asleep. Okay okay I know I'm bad, but can't help really. Then the next thing before I know was I'm already in hospital. Kk woman and children's hospital. ( for those who are keen to know )

So I guess you guys can just put in a little bit of imagination and kind of predict what happened during the interval. So right, my aunt ( the kind soul ) was the one who sent me to hospital and she said I fainted on the ground. I've no idea what happened actually. Oh but well the doctor ( a male ) did a checkup for me and said the fainting was due to low blood pressure, over exhausted myself, insufficient rest, irregular meals....blah all that shit and stuffs you guys can think of. And guess what, my voice was LOST due to servere sore throat. I went "what?! what?! what?!" nothing came out. Shucks. I was so fustrated with myself because the Opening Ceremony is near. I know everybody put in a lot of effort in accomplishing it and all that stuffs, and I nevertheless, want to join in this meaningful occasion. I was like worrying and worrying that I may not recover on time and could not participate in Opening Ceremony.

Then all my friends went like "Oh roslyn, please you are seriously ill, ( seriously ill? ) dont treat the Opening Ceremonoy more important that you OWN health!" Okay okay, but they don't know what the hell how much I have put in. I tried all means to get all the sec1s to do the dance, ( mass display you knoe? ) to motivate them, encourage them, all that stuffs and to put in more energy to make this Opening Ceremony an eventful one. And I was requested to perform as a soloist in the post-concert. I don't want to miss that chance! I DON'T WANT TO MISS THAT CHANCE!!!

Inside the hospital I almost went crazy thinking about SO much stuffs. I was like, oh God, please let me recover fast so that I will be able to join in this special occasion. I want to be part of it. I really wanna. But my condition got worst instead. I was actually given a week of mc but I forced myself to go to school on the second day. The reason? I want to do my best in the Opening Ceremony. I REALLY WANNA!!! I don't know how many out there can actually understand or have a feel of how desire I am that kind of thing, and how many can actually hear my cries for it. I don't know. But for one thing I want you guys to know is that C'mon, let's just do well for this Opening Ceremony. It's only a day and all will be over. All those preparations and efforts will NOT be wasted. Really. C'mon, let's just all do our part.

Sigh. I'am very sad actually. During the 3 days stay in Kkwach. Friends DID visited me. But the one whom I want to see most did not even message me or anything. He didn't and that's what hurts. I don't think he cares anyway. I cried and cried for no reason at all. Absolutely no reason. I thought after having knowing him, I will no longer need to shed another tear but I was wrong. He gave me more reasons to cry instead. I kept praying to God for things to change for the better and for things to improve, but never did once He answered my prayer. Perhaps no one really knows about it. Not even Siti. Oh well she's a very cool friend actually. I love hanging out with her. She gave me more reasons to smile. She's the one who adds light into my life. I know she's got some disciplinary problems but hey, people needs chances. She's got the determination to change. So people out there, stop discriminating her! I won't those who bullied her off. Watch your back!

So right, Opening Ceremony's up in a few more hours time. I am really anxious. Haha seriously anxious about it. I just tell myself to spent this day well and fine. And make the best out of it! Yeah. I love my life that way. Just love it. So people, I strongly urge all of you to live life meaningfully and take good care of your health, you don't wanna end up like me do you? SO take care! And Have a blessed weekend! =)
boxxie blogged @ Friday, May 14, 2004

Saturday, May 08, 2004
It was an uneventful day. So was I being a little too much yesterday? Well I don't think so. Perfectly alright in my opinion. Was just glad that I didn't meet him today in school or else who knows what I would have done. I just find it irritating and dope. But actually crushes are normal. It's part of growing up. People always used the word “flirt” at the wrong time. Flirt is when you behaved in a sexually affectionate way towards the opposite sex and that does not boils down to those conversations exchanged which you actually enjoy very much. But somehow, I don't have a good impression with people who toyed with other's feelings. Just have no idea how they managed to do that. Don't they feel guilt sometimes? Where exactly is their conscience? This whole universe is made up of people like that which indirectly led to many unhappiness among people.

Okay I'm currently not in the mood for such things. Gotta really bad sore throat and have yet to start on my composition. Shucks. Gonna attend church tomorrow. It's been a long time. Three weeks already I think. Religions can be quite personal at times. I'd prefer to have a religion which is challenge by choice and not something which you believe in because you have to that kind of thing. It's kinda vexing after a while because I kept receiving calls from those church pals of mine questioning this and that. Blah. Shucks. I know how well I'm progressing and there's no need for them to over doing it.

I just wanna live my life the way I want it. I don't want to be controlled by anything. Absolutely nothing. Does education really matters? Well in Singapore SURE it does. But that does not applies when you're in some isolated countries. Especially in those kampong villages whereby education are not so widely scattered. Blah what am I talking about? Shucks. Guess I'm having a headache now.

I have a lot to comment about Singapore's Education man. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I personally feel that the government shouldn't have split secondary courses into four streams. Normal Technical, Normal Adademic, Express and Special. What the government is thinking at that point of time might be the subjects students are taking and how well can they cope with it. But still I think is rubbish.

Okay look, normal technical students are often looked down upon by a lot of people especially in Singapore, thus that makes them feel more and more unwanted and eventually turn to those bad companies and blah. Normal Academic is slightly better but not much of a difference at all. Students there often lacked of motivations and determination to study. To them it's like what for study? That kind of thing. Then Express students often think themselves as an “A” quality, tend to get arrogant after a while and so on...all those craps. I do not know much about Special but I guess not much of a difference when compared to Express. Hence, what happens is that I feel the government shouldn't seperate them all into all these four streams. When the same kind of people are together, there's no some examples for them to look up to, which explains why there have been so little improvements made. In fact the government should have place some Express and Normal Academic students together so as to “pull” them up, yup you got the idea? So basically, Singapore's Education doesn't really make any sense to me. I just don't really like it.

Ps: All of the things mentioned above are just plainly my own opinions.

My mood has been swinging to and fro since yerterday till now. Kinda unstable and critical. Why critical? Because I may anytime laspe into a silent depression. This IS true, but hey I'm over that. Yeah. That's where the difference lies. Shucks. I don't feel like writing anything at all, and definitely NOT composition now. But it's like I HAVE to do it, and not because I WANT to do it. Stupid thing to have choosen me for this. Alright that's all for today. Catch ya all some other time. Roslyn's exhausted. Blah.
boxxie blogged @ Saturday, May 08, 2004

Friday, May 07, 2004
Who is the "he" ?

Hey hell man. Just came across someone's online journal which make me feel like an idiot all along. He sucked BIG TIME! But it was that sucky bitchy style of his that make me wanna have a second look. Didn't know what characteristics of his attracted me in the first place. He seriously SUCK! Oh well, didn't really mean it anyway, just at that moment. Yeah you got it? I went "oh fuck, why did I spend SO much time in getting over him when he's not even worth it at all." Basically he's just one hell of a bad guy who toys with people's feelings like nothing. Okay and because I was rather furious over this matter which make me rant at my guardian for nothing and now she's ignoring me AGAIN. Shucks. I find Singapore pretty shitty actually. Or maybe because I'm more on the american side? I have no idea why, just find it sickening to live in this stupid bloody Singapore all of a sudden.

How would you react when you actually found out someone whom you spent EXTREMEMLY long periods getting over actually has five major crushes & claims that he loves a person dearly and truly? Crap. Nonsense. I seriously think such person in this world shouldn't even exist at all. Alright I do not know what the hell I'm doing to actually scorn him till so badly out of the blue. Think it's due to the peer influence of HIS entries. Shucks. He SUCKS BIG TIME!

Oh God, I'm thankful to you for letting me discovered the address & manage to browse through it in such a short time. For those people out there, guess I do not have to mention his name yeah? You all know who HE is. Fuck. And Godammit! He's actually in MY school. So that means I would be facing him or meeting him somehow or another when I feel like giving him infinity tight slaps and a good bashing up! I won't give a good damn if he knows about it anyway because it doesn't really matter. But well the chances are minimize. Today is a time for me to rave on all bad things about him. I'm hating him YES I AM! Cool roslyn, at least you know what's right and what's wrong. Fuck. I just feel like scolding the "F" word for absolute no reason at all. Say whatever you guys want, this IS my blog so stay out of my affairs! It's none of your business! Get your ass out of here!

Okay shucks, I'm being a little too "vulgar" today, just for today only. Ahhh think I got it. Have you ever wondered why do most people find pleasure in vulgarities? Because it produced a sense of accomplishment after all that has been said and done. Vulgarities itself possessed some kind of angerness & mixture of feelings which makes you get that sense of satisfaction & when your angry or whatsoever, vulgarities does it! Yupz. You get
the idea? So that taught me another lesson, try to listen to your friend's advices.

I just wanna mention manes today. Bryan ( can say we are real good friends ) has told me countless times that he's not worth it, he's just NOT worth it. But hey guess what? I did not heed his advices. Sufyan ( hopefully my brother ) kind of said the same thing but not totally. Chuanying ( quite a cool and nice friend, yeah good friend ) said he's such an arse man. Just Not Worth It. And of course, more to come but that's all for now. Guess human learns from the hard way. This matter didn't get around to many people. Just only a few knows the exact story. Bryan's one of the few.

Oh well I've got something to say as well. Chuanying is actually a hell of a nice guy. Only when you have got to know his inside all that shit. Blah. Haha no offence. But seriously, I don't mind saying this out, the girl who (someday ) becomes his girlfriend can consider herself as the luckiest girl in this whole whide world. I don't know. Just feel it. So people out there, talk to him, get to know his inside. He's just another cool guy I've met. Yeah. Hey s.c.y I'm advertising for ya man and above all, it's FOC ( Free Of Charge!) Haha, alright I'm just pulling your leg. I'm currently listening to some hard core music to keep those rantings and hatred about him going on, because I knew I'm gonna "Switch Mood" the moment I listened to emotional songs. No way!

Above all, he still SUCKS. Well maybe not always but definitely for now. Hmm but what I said now might not be what I meant latta. So...you guys just have to figure it out ( if you bother to ) Well I don't even give a kick about my moods and feelings all that because I'm so Unpredictable. Hmm got that right. Yeah.

Told myself that I'm NOT gonna participate in this year's Talent Quest. The reason why? I just don't feel like it and besides HE will be there competing so..nahz. I'm kind of sick of my Chinese Instrument. Seriously, had always been like this since primary six. And now I'm sec three. Shucks.

Hey from today onwards, I'm not gonna give a damn to whatever things out there anymore. I just want to be me and myself, that's it. You know? And though I will continue to reach out to more people out there but I don't feel like including the romance part. This opens to all relationships. I felt so much lighter after I rid myself off those past and fond memories. Especially where love is concern. Yeah. The feeling is just great and refreshing. Love it. At least right now. Okay think it's long enough and I'm almost done with it.

Was choosen yet again for this stupid story writing competion where those judges expect us to write more than a thousand words above, or best still few thousands. Don't think I'll be able to have enough time to complete it but will still try my best. Having Opening Ceremony Rehearsal outdoor parade tomorrow. So that means the chance of seeing him increase! Argh duh. Forget it. Gonna concentrate on my story now. See ya guys around & yeah, thanks for all the time spent reading. Roslyn appreciates it.

He still SUCKS.
boxxie blogged @ Friday, May 07, 2004